Where I’m At

It’s been a while since I’ve updated, so I thought I’d write a bit today. First, I am posting a photo of me I took the other day that I really don’t want to post. It’s me how I look early in the morning before going to Pilates. I’ve avoided posting pics of myself for so many years because of all the chemo weight I put on during treatment. But it is the beginning of me getting back to fitness after so many years of fatigue from chemo. Chemo was good to my body – my organs, not too many side effects from treatment, etc. But I was never honest about how hard it was on my body because 1) I just didn’t realize it as I was going through it, and 2) I always tried keeping up with everything and everyone, even though it was so physically exhausting for me. I thought for years that if I gave into the fatigue or missed out on doing something I wanted to do or that others were doing, the cancer would be winning. And I was never honest about how much the weight gain bothered me. After all, I was alive, and that was all that mattered. So, here I am at the beginning of really feeling like I am getting back to pre-cancer energy. I am running up and down my stairs every day 20 times a day! On treatment, a set of stairs was hard for me, and I would only try to go upstairs once a day because that’s all the energy I had. I am proud of how far I’ve come, and I’m a little mystified about how long – seven years after coming off treatment altogether – it has taken me to get to a point where I feel strong enough to work out and enjoy it again. I have a long way to go, but this is the beginning … one step at a time, one day at time … so I thought I’d be honest about where I’m at.

Second, I am reading a lot of posts in my Facebook cancer groups lately asking whether or not taking a chemo break is OK for a metastatic breast cancer patient. I think the answer is different for everyone and deeply individual/personal. For me, it has been the best decision, whether or not it is the right decision when dealing with metastatic cancer. So, today, I thought I’d write about my experience with taking a chemo break because it has allowed me to feel more “normal” than I have in a decade and more “normal” than I ever thought possible after going through metastatic cancer.

Where I’m at now: My health issues are getting worked out. I will be having a partial hysterectomy for a couple of reasons mid-October. I will also have uterine polyps removed. Hoping everything is benign, but it is expected to be. It will be a long six to eight weeks of not being able to work out during recovery because I am just starting to get back into shape. I haven’t been too focused on cancer at all since a Club Pilates opened here. I thought it would be just the right level for me to start building some of this strength and balance back that I lost during my four years of chemo. I’ve been going every weekday, and I am ADDICTED. I absolutely love it! I love the progress I’ve made in just 21 classes so far! It’s so good physically and mentally. I am feeling stronger again, and the scale is actually going down. When I started my blog, I wanted to always be completely honest about my cancer experience, and while I’m lucky most of my journey has been positive, the one negative aspect about it has been my weight gain. Both times I was on chemo, I gained 40 pounds. And after so much fatigue and lying around with zero energy, it has done a number on my body, and it has been HARD weight to lose. I have tried for years not to focus on it because I’m happy just to be alive, but now that I’m feeling almost back to pre-cancer energy and life, it’s been bothering me. And to my amazement, it actually bothers other people more than it bothers me. But I want to look and feel healthy. And I want to do it the natural way, proving to myself that I can do it and, as I suspect, to try to have control over my body and this cancer. I had aspirations of doing Pilates and walking or running on the treadmill daily, but Pilates has WORN ME OUT! I am exhausted every day and night. I’m guessing it’s my body trying to recover still, so I am trying to give myself some grace and go at the pace my body wants me to go. I’ll add cardio more when I get stronger and more in shape. I have been able to lose 13 pounds of the chemo weight. I have about 30 more to go before I will be really happy with my body again. I have a goal to do Pilates at least five days a week, then add cardio 3-5 times a week, and then work up to swimming, when I know the weight will melt off pretty quickly. It will be a slow journey, and I’m not very patient, but I have to remember to give myself grace and enjoy the journey. And I’m thoroughly enjoying reformer Pilates now.  

In other cancer news, I took a trip up to Canandaigua, NY, to see my sister, and it was so healing. Being on one of the Finger Lakes was so refreshing. I was able to just feel thankful and grateful for everything. Being in nature always puts things into perspective. I vowed to appreciate where I am on this cancer journey and really focus again on living in each moment. I am so happy to say that I am just living and believing I have been healed. Everything is good with my health still, and I am feeling more back to normal than I ever thought could be possible again. Cancer changes you, and I know I will never be who I was before cancer, but I honestly feel like cancer has changed me so much in so many positive ways. I started my cancer journey by reading a book called The Silver Lining: A Supportive and Insightful Guide to Breast Cancer, and while I didn’t want to have to take this journey, it was going to be my journey, and I told myself always to look for the silver linings – the silver linings that have become blessings. So, the word for this part of my cancer journey is STRENGTH. I’ll update again probably after my surgery mid-October. Until then, I’ll be doing Pilates and really appreciating this body, my vessel through life, and what the body is capable of doing. Pilates is about body awareness and the mind/body connection. I think it will be so healing for this cancer patient, and if and when my cancer returns, I hope I will have enough strength to continue the practice. I think it is great for cancer patients – just like yoga, Reiki, sound baths, etc. I only wish I had found it sooner, but I’m grateful to have found it now that I am ready for it. I’m starting to see that a new calendar year is approaching again as I flip through the last few months in my calendar. For years, getting a new calendar at the beginning of each year has filled me with anxiety as I wonder if I’ll make it through another year or if my cancer will come back at some point within those pages. I’m already starting to have a little anxiety about the approaching new year and having to get another calendar for 2027. But this year, I am hopeful that it will just be a good year, a year for building STRENGTH and getting back to just living life. I’m thinking about cancer less and less and worrying less and less, and while cancer/recurrence will be in the back of my mind every day, with every little ache and pain, I never thought it would be possible to be here where I am at on this journey. I am still in remission, there are so many new treatments on the horizon, and I am physically getting back to a pre-cancer level of fitness and health. I know chemotherapy destroys a lot, but I always concentrated on how it was a lifesaver for me; it is only after regaining health and strength that I realized how much four years of continual treatment affected my body. I am thankful I am relatively unscathed from it, and I am thankful I have this chance to get into shape and actually enjoy working out again and discovering a mind/body connection. So, until I write again – HYDRATE, use it/move it or lose it, and stay safe and HEALTHY, everyone!