Short Hair Then (2016) and Now (2026)
All the rage right now: 2016. I had to think hard about where I was and what I was doing back in 2016. Then it hit me that I was just settling into our house, the house we’ve lived in since 2015, the house I’ve lived in longer than any other house. And I was in the thick of fighting cancer and an infection from my reconstruction surgery that nearly killed me. I was travelling every weekend for 15 weekends, driving back and forth from South Carolina to Maryland for chemotherapy. Anyway, you’ve heard my story before. But that’s what I was doing back in 2016. And I’ve pretty much been doing that for the past decade. I think about all those years of just fighting cancer. But then I think, I was alive for a decade of cancer, and I’m still here today. And I’m just grateful and blessed.
I had the surgery to fix my paraoesophageal hernia last week. Recovering this week. Just like walking into the hospital for the first time triggered memories of my being with my dad during the last 17 days of his life, my stay in the hospital for just one night triggered a lot of feelings and memories of hospital stays while fighting cancer. I didn’t want to dwell on cancer again when I’ve been doing so well at just living again now, but I just felt all the feels and went with them, and so now I’m writing about them to process them and just put them behind me again. The hospital, the needles, the pain, the scars, brought everything back. But the thing that got me the most was the feeling of not having control over my health. I mean, I try to take care of myself as best as I can, but, ultimately, I know that I have no control over my health. Cancer doesn’t discriminate, and having cancer doesn’t exclude me from developing other health problems either, no matter how much I’m expecting that I will die from cancer.
And after this surgery, despite new scars, I realized that I love my body. After decades of low self-esteem, I am finally loving my body. Throughout my life, I have picked my body apart – too thin, too heavy, too flat, bald head, too much or too little of something all the time. And now, my body is worse than it has ever been – I’ve put on weight, I have battle scars everywhere, but I am loving it! I appreciate it, anyway. I realized in the hospital that this body may always be too much or too little, but it has been a really good body for me. It heals quickly, always bounces back, and it can take A LOT. I think I am really comfortable in my own skin now, and at 50, it feels wonderful to finally feel confident and completely appreciative of the body I’ve been given. I was always super lanky until chemo hit. Twice. And now age has hit, too. I began to experience body shaming, and I was surprised that I experienced it most with doctors. Our bodies are our vessels in life, and they should be loved and appreciated in any shape or form. Another lesson cancer has taught me.
So, in the new year, I did something I was in control of: I cut my longer-than-it’s-ever been hair. And I love it. I got THE BOB. It’s really freeing to have shorter hair, even more freeing to have no hair. 😊 It feels better to have short hair, and it’s more fun to style, for me anyway. It was something I did to celebrate feeling confident and appreciative – appreciative that I have hair and that I finally love this body. New year, new me. And my second goal this year is to really get back into good shape, good health. If my cancer comes back in 2026, I want to be in the best possible fighting shape. So, I am going to get on the treadmill next and walk this body through recovery.
Oh, and one more thing on my mind. I am worried that the surgery will have triggered my immune system again and that my cancer might spread or come back. So, I am just going to do what I’ve always done – keep my faith, keep my trust, and do everything that I can physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc., to stay in good health. I’ve been given another year, and I am going to appreciate it!
And … did you see the headline? Cancer patients are living longer now! I have seen so many advances in medicine in just the past decade, well, since 2016! So, it’s given me a lot of hope for the next decade. I feel like I just need to hang on for a while longer. The triple negative breast cancer vaccine has just entered its second phase of trials. And its availability is the point in the future I’m focused on and hoping to hang in there till now!
I have a port flush on Friday. I think I’m way past due for one. So, I may write again after that. Then, my appointment with my surgeon is on the 29th. I need to ask him about some things on my reports, so I may write again after that appointment, as well. In the meantime, one day at a time, and LOVE YOUR BODIES!!! Stay safe and healthy, everyone!