Scanxiety: A real word, a real thing

I have a PET/CT scan on Wednesday morning. This is the most anxious I’ve been for a scan ever. I just really don’t know what to expect. It has been a year since my last scan. I feel good, but that doesn’t mean my life couldn’t be changing again in a couple of weeks. I’m out of fighting shape. I’m still out of shape from the last blow of four years of treatment. Am I ready to do this again if I have to? The basic truth is that I just don’t want to. I’m not ready. I want life to continue just like this for many more years. It has been a tough year for me aside from cancer, but I’ll still take it. This scan seems to have taken so long, too long, to get here, and yet here it comes already on Wednesday. Time moves so fast, and it’s never enough time. I am just trying to stay positive and not worry till I have to. I’m trying to prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. My life is good, I have more energy and longer hair than I’ve had in 10 years,  I have things to look forward to, and I don’t want anything to change, all of it to change. And yet I sit here in survivor’s guilt after learning of the death from breast cancer a couple of weeks ago of one of my former neighbors in Key West, my kids’ friends’ mom. And how can I ask for another day? I just have to live one day at at a time, thankful and grateful. And today I am fine. It’s rainy and dreary, and it puts a damper on my spirit, but the fall leaves are gorgeous outside my window, and I am here. I have much to be grateful for. I know I will be fine no matter what Wednesday brings. I will accept whatever the outcome is, and I will deal with it. I will be ready for a change, for another round of a fight, of treatment, or whatever it takes, if I have to be. But it doesn’t stop the scanxiety. As I always say, the waiting is the worst. And I would like to think I won’t be obsessively checking my patient portal every other minute of next week because things are good now, and I don’t want to know if anything changes. But I know I will anyhow because, somehow, knowledge is power for me. And, somehow, checking my portal gives me some control over the thing I can’t control. I would greatly appreciate your prayers, positive vibes and thoughts on Wednesday morning. I’ll let you know the results after I see them in my portal later next week! Until then, stay safe and healthy, everyone.