I Will Survive 🎵

Today is National Cancer Survivors Day. I write it with a period because I’m not sure how I should feel about it. It should have an exclamation point after it for everyone celebrating being a survivor because it is a HUGE deal to be a survivor. But when you have metastatic breast cancer, I’m not sure you can exactly celebrate because METS is treatable but not curable, and I really don’t know if, in the end, I will survive my battle against triple negative metastatic breast cancer. But I have hope, and I certainly celebrate all the survivors out there! And I certainly celebrate how long I have been a survivor. I also know that some survivors will get METS. So, I’m kind of questioning the definition of “survivor.” I’m especially questioning it today, two days after a PET/CT scan that happened so fast, I didn’t really get time to blog about it first. From what I see from my portal – and you all know how much I am obsessed with my portal after a scan – there is a chance my cancer might be back, but there is also a chance it’s not. It’s just that chance that has me worrying, like I do almost every day, that this cancer has come back. I think it’s part of survivorship – the fear of recurrence. And that’s why I have a hard time, myself, celebrating National Cancer Survivors Day. (more on my scan later)

The legal definition of a survivor, according to Cornell law, is “a person who remains alive or continues to function after experiencing an event that could have been life-threatening  or significantly harmful. So, I guess I am a survivor. And, really, I have survived much. It has been so great to see so many life-saving and life-giving breakthroughs in cancer research and treatments in just the eleven years I’ve been a cancer survivor. I see so many more people going public and documenting their own stories to help others and to make sense of what cancer patients are going through. That’s why I started mine in the first place. Because so many more people are going public with their experiences, we are learning about the phases and stages and emotional and physical journeys of cancer patients and survivors. It’s been really exciting to see. Now, people, especially young people who are getting cancer at earlier ages than ever, are vlogging. Maybe I’ll attempt that in the future! But, even though I was diagnosed at 39, I am now one of the older women dealing with cancer (can you tell I just turned 51 this week and am feeling very old?!), and I’m so happy I have gotten all of these years to thrive, not just survive, with cancer.

I have been having some health issues and concerns the past couple of months, with symptoms I really thought were more from a family history of Type II diabetes or more along the lines that something my primary care physician could help me with instead of my oncologist. I just had an oncology appt., and I mentioned my symptoms, but I wasn’t too forthcoming with them or with information about what’s been going on. It’s a problem I have – hiding my symptoms. But, I went to my primary care physician this past week, and I laid it all out there – every little symptom I’ve been feeling for the past two months. My primary care doctor and my oncologist and her PA are AMAZING, and I’m so lucky to have a great team looking out for me. My primary care physician ordered some testing and imaging, and even though I don’t really need a PET scan for six months, before my next oncology appt., I scheduled it right away because of these episodes and symptoms I’ve been having. I’m not going to try to be a doctor again and diagnose my own problem – I just tried to diagnose myself with Type II diabetes, and I was wrong about that one! – but, like I said, I have a wonderful primary care doctor who, I’m confident, will get to the bottom of what’s going on. BUT, there is a line in my “findings” on the report of tissue that the PET can’t determine as something benign or malignant. The radiologist recommends an ultrasound and/or an MRI to determine what’s going on. And, as usual, my mind immediately jumps to cancer. Something is not right with my body right now, and I have been having pain in the area mentioned in my report, but I thought that pain was the least of my concerns, so I never mentioned it to my doctor. Of course, I HAD to Google my symptoms and see if they could have anything to do with what was found in my report, and while I read that they can, I know I’m not the doctor, and I know that you should never believe everything you read; it would just be really nice if some further testing confirmed that my symptoms correlate with what is going on in my imaging. I just really want to feel better at this point. And I don’t want to think about “cancer” now that I have just begun to live like I don’t have it anymore, like I’m a survivor. I want to keep being a survivor. And then I feel guilty – how can I possibly ask for more than I’ve already been given? I just have to live one day at a time being grateful, like I’ve said for so many years now. And today, I don’t have cancer. I just need to be grateful for today, especially on National Cancer Survivors Day. I’ll keep you all posted. In the meantime, stay safe and healthy, everyone!